Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"Pour your heart out"

Linking up with Things I can't say
For more "Pour your heart out" posts click the button below
After you read what I pour out of my heart of course ;)

Hello my name is Rose and I am afraid of dogs.
When I was little this was one of my most embarrassing secrets.
I didn't want anyone to know, so I would claim allergies to dogs.
Most people won't try to
force their dog on you if you are allergic.
If you tell them dogs make you nervous/scared, their response will almost always be,
"Well he/she is a really nice dog, you don't need to worry."
Seriously, everytime!
I have only one time heard someone have a different response and it was,
"don't worry we keep our dogs locked up when visitors come"
Deep sigh of relief on my part.
Keeping them locked up just meant shutting them behind their bedroom door.
The door wasn't actually locked.
I came to find this out during a recent visit when Lyon (Curious Lyon)
needed to see what was behind door # 1.
Ohhh, I had nightmares for a week after that!
Here is what happened:
My family and I were visiting some friends (the awesome ones mentioned above).
Everything was fine, conversation was good, kids were playing, when suddenly,
Lyon goes for the door, the one which kept the dogs out of my sight and mind.
I sat on the floor only a few feet away.
I don't know why I didn't think Lyon could open the door, but then the Lady of the house informed me that the door was not locked.
Panic rose up inside me like an unannounced tidal wave,
picking me up in its mass and swallowing me whole.
It was just like in my bad dreams, I couldn't move fast enough.
My legs and arms heavy and disabled.
I moved slowly to try to stop Lyon before he let the dogs out, but I just couldn't get there.
And then they were upon us.
My nightmares consisted of sharp barred teeth, ferocious barking and then the attack.
I always wake up before there is any blood shed,
breathless, my heart pounding, with a ringing in my ears.
Oh the horror!
That didn't happen in real life.
The dogs, two of them, ran right past Lyon who was quite stunned and thus crying.
They ran right past me, trying to get to Lyon so I could let him know it was all okay.
Though my own heart was pounding hard enough to let him know
that I clearly did not think it was okay.
It was over in a few seconds, all was well, we weren't attacked.
And yet.
I am sitting here in a cold sweat, my mouth dry, reliving it.
Sob! ='{
I know its ridiculous, as most fears are.
I can't seem to help it though.
I once decided I was going to get past it. I was going to take responsibility for my Mom's dogs while she was out of town, I was going to feed them and walk them and my Mom would come home to the happiest dogs in the world. Well the first time I went to feed them they were ravenous because the person who was supposed to be watching them had forgotten to feed them (which is why I took over) the dogs jumped and growled and groaned, I nearly had a heart attack. Finally having no other choice I tossed the dog food into their pen until I was certain they had had enough.
Imagine tossing meat to crocodiles!
That's what it felt like to me.

Talking about my fear helps though.
I don't feel nearly as anxious as I do when I am lying about it.
Now if only the truth could just set me free from this fear,
I'd be set.


Shell said...

I was deathly afraid of dogs when I was younger. It's gotten a little easier, but I'm still not a big fan. I have a scar on my hand from where I was bitten by a dog about 10 years ago.

Did you link this yet? :)

Tylaine said...

lol I used to always want a dog when I was younger but now I figure kids are enough work!
We have a big doberman at the end of our block and one day when we were walking down somehow he got out of the house and bolted at my kids.....they were so scared. I hope it doesn't traumatize them!
Thanks for stoppin by! :)

The Mecham Family said...

Oh Rose! I hope I've never offended you with our dog Zoey... and she looks so menacing! I'm so glad I read this so I can put her away whenever you come over!
(I'm afraid of moths...I know, right!?)

shannon said...

:( I had no idea you were so afraid of them! I am sure my house was like walking into hell itself growing up! lol. You are a great story teller btw. ;) Why is it that when we tell someone we are afraid of something they want to force it in our faces? Like when I say I am scared of spiders there is always someone who wants to put one in my face and say "here look!" ugh! I have a pug and I CAN'T STAND THE LITTLE MONSTER! I never try to pretend he is nice I just LOCK him outside. So wish I could get rid of the little booger but my family wont let me. sigh.... Oh well :)

Heather said...

That was smart of you to figure out if you are allergic to them no one will bother you about them!

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

I wouldn't call myself 'scared' of them, but they do make me nervous. The Boy Child and I are on the same wavelength...The Girl Child LOVES animals and if we are at someone's house and she is playing with the dog, I DO tense up seeing her get all "in there" with the dog! If asked to take 'em or leave 'em, I'm definitely a leave 'em kind of girl!

Thanks for commenting on Single Mom in the South!

Beth said...

I think we all have something like that! I'm not terribly afraid of dogs but I'm not comfortable around ones I don't know. And I think that's reasonable! Dogs can be mean. But well disciplined ones can be wonderful so I try to give them the cautious benefit of the doubt. :)

Glad you and your baby were okay and that it helps to talk about it.

Marcela said...

So sorry, it must be really hard. There are dogs everywhere. I am sure it must be really good to talk about it.

Does it keep you from going to friends homes or going for walks?

Maybe since you say it helps to talk, you would benefit from seeing a professional. Don't take it the wrong way, this has helped me in all aspects of life.

Life Without Pink said...

That is such a shame to be that scared! My 4 yr old is terrified of dogs too. I am not sure how to help him with this...he screams and shakes. I am hoping one day it will get better for him.

purseblogger said...

Oh man, that is hard. I have a fear with bees. Can't stand 'em!