Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Taboo...

Depression is an unspoken Taboo subject.
Depression and all that that implies,
suicide,
medication,
etc...

And it's not just depression,
it's any mental/mood disorder.

I know these are subjects that make many people uncomfortable.
They make me uncomfortable.
I'm certain that everyone is judging me,
thinking I am only writing about this for attention,
or just being dramatic...
I'm not, not even close.
I'd still prefer to keep this all bottled up inside and secret.
I'm terrified every time I click "publish post".

But.

Now that I've let the dam burst I can't pull it back.

I've found that so many people that I know and love have the same struggles that I am going through.
So many of the people I know and love are (gasp!) medicated!!!

I AM NOT ALONE IN HOW I FEEL!!!

That is the saddest statement I think I've ever made.
It makes me want to simultaneously bawl and throw-up.
I don't want anyone to have to feel like I do!!!
I would rather be alone with the comfort that no one else has to feel this way.

But.

 I have to face the facts, and if I have to go through this,
 and others do as well, 
I'd rather we not go it alone.
How can so many of us be struggling with something so hard that medication becomes necessary.
Regardless of the side effects.

My medication makes me sweat like a man.
No matter the temperature or the lack of activity I always seem to be dripping with sweat.
It's embarrassing!

But.

The medication helps enough that it is worth sweating over.

The medication makes it possible for me to get out of bed, period.
To just and simply get out of bed!!!
To shower, to get dressed, to function at all.
Because the level of depression at this point has me paralyzed.

But.

The medication doesn't touch my want to kill myself.
I think about dying constantly.
Last night I was so angry that I had no means to die.
I was angry with Superman for telling me he doesn't want me to die.
For telling me that he and our kids don't want to live without me.
I want to die, and he isn't making it easy for me.
No one is making that easy for me.

THANK GOD!!!!

Because in the light of day,
even though I still think about dying.
I don't really WANT to die.

1 comment:

Amy said...

The nights really are the hardest times, and I'm glad you have your family with you to help you out. So sorry you have to go through this...I really am.