Thursday, September 8, 2011

Five day's in the psych ward... Day three...

I slept well that night of my birthday.
Thanks to the drugs I was given right before bed finally working for me.

I'd come to find that weekends in the psych ward are very long and very boring.
There aren't activities.

I did go to one session of group though.
This is where everyone who has the privilege,
my friend with the short cropped hair and glasses in her twenties didn't have the privilege,
meets in the therapy/tv room and have a group discussion.
On Saturday we talked about the stages of recovery.
It was really eye opening for me.
I could recognize every stage I'd experienced.
Some more than others, some more than once.
I found that I bounced around these stages.
I learned how to recognize where I was at and how
to take action before I hit "bottom" again.
There are five stages:

Before Bottom-
See a lot of "red flags" not coping, stressed, irritable, poor health, relationship problems, work problems, withdrawal from activities.

Depression, suicidal, refuses medications/treatments, "gives up", loss of job or relationship, hospitalization, desperation.

On the Fence-
Ambivalence about the recovery process, may not be hopeful, doesn't want to give up old ways, might get involved in therapy, might take medications sometimes, contemplating making changes.

Feel committed to the process of recovery, recognizes changes are necessary, takes steps to make changes, good compliance, good follow through, takes medications prescribed.

Life Goes On-
Full acceptance of illness, limitations that poses, and ability to make adaptations, 
understands "meaning to ones's suffering", can see the big picture.

I know that as I recognize where I am at I will take action,
I know I can ask for help,
and I know that I have support of friends, family, my doctor, my therapist, ward members, etc...
And that makes the burden I carry that much "easier".

You don't see a psychiatrist or a therapist on the weekend in the psych ward,
 unless you are brought in on the weekend.
Which one girl was.
This girl was in her thirties.
She was really nice.
She and the girl in her twenties got along really well.
We all did.
Except of course the lady in her fourties who kept mumbling.
She'd come out of her room now and then yelling that she was hungry and wanted food.
She'd beg the techs to get her a soda.
She'd beg me for one of mine.
(I had Phillip bring me some grape soda)
I let her have some of mine,
but she still liked to threaten to kick my ass.

Me and the other girls decided that that lady must be on really heavy medication
and that was to blame for her odd behavior.
Any other explanation was just too sad and disturbing to explore.

We sat around all day.
There was a foam football that I tossed with the girl in her 20's for a while.
And that was pretty much the highlight of the day.
The day passed so slowly.

Phillip came to visit me that afternoon.
I'd been waiting anxiously for him to come.
A tech finally led a man in, I could hear them talking before they came through the door.
It was all I could do to not bound out of my chair and jump into Phil's arms.
It's a good thing I didn't, because when I saw the man who I'd thought was Phil,
I realized it wasn't Phil.
In fact,
very disturbing,
I knew him!
He was someone I'd gone to school with.
Turns out he was the husband of the new girl, the woman in her 30's.
That was weird...

Anyway Phillip came to see me, we sat and talked for a while and then he left,
but came back again that night.
Saturday night.
We sat and watched a movie.
And then all too soon he had to go again.

I was given my sleeping pill and then went and got ready for bed.
are you ready for this ladies:
I started my period!
That was probably the absolute worst thing about being in the psych ward, for me.

There are no secrets in the psych ward.
There are no locks on the bathroom doors.
When you shower, brush your teeth, go to the bathroom,
fart, burp, etc,

When Phil and I were dating
if I ever had to use the bathroom at my tiny apartment,
I always turned the faucet on while I did my business so Phil wouldn't be able to hear.
It's just not the kind of sounds you want to share.

I had to ask a tech every time I needed a tampon.
Every. Single. Time.
Phil wasn't due to come until the following night and thus couldn't bring me any of my own.
So for twenty four hours I had to ask strangers to provide me with my feminine needs.
Luckily enough all the techs during those twenty four hours were female.

So even though I was feeling a little loopy having taken my sleeping pill,
I asked the tech, got what I needed, but wasn't ready to go to sleep yet.
I asked the tech if she could take me back to "the other side" my first side,
so I could pick out a book.

I'd finished the one I already had picked out and they wouldn't let me read the one I brought with me...
It was about a high schooler shooting up his high school,
so it was understanding that they kept it from me.
Not the most positive subject...

I went and picked out a book,
was brought back to my room
where I read for the next little while.

I was really light headed, and finally unable to keep my eyes open any longer I
slipped into a deep grateful sleep.

I woke-up the next morning thinking I had dreamed the night before.
My period, the book...
But when I looked over at the bedside table there sat the book...

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