Monday, October 17, 2011


Counseling was cool for a little while, 
but I started to find that the good feelings I felt when I left wore off very quickly.  
Stress, frustration, confusion, sadness, loneliness 
building up once again to unmanageable levels.

I found myself trying really hard to be positive for my counselor 
instead of trying to let out all my emotions and what not.
What I would have liked to have done was gone in to bitch and moan about anything and everything from my laces coming undone to the nastiness of politics...
With the occasional bit of advice from the counselor...

So I stopped going...
Mostly because our insurance didn't cover the counselor I was going to.
And I haven't gotten around to finding a new one...

The good thing is that I have found a new form of therapy.
I can beat out my frustrations,
I can go everyday,
I can go at my own speed,
and though sometimes it hurts,
I always end with a smile on my face.




I've loved running since I was a little girl and watched as a group of women ran around a track in a long distance race during the Olympics.
My dad was watching it on tv and I sat down next to him to watch for a minute.
I remember making the comment that they (the women racers) weren't going very fast.
To which my dad replied, "Oh yes they are!"
I didn't yet understand about the difference between long distance running and short distance sprinting...

I wanted to be a runner.
I wanted to run fast,
run races,
run far,
run fun.

In high school I joined the track team.
Within the first couple of weeks I developed shin splints.
I could barely finish the track work outs.
Within a few months I developed stress fractures in my lower legs.
At times it was impossible for me to run.

Everyday I came home from track practice and would sit waist deep in a bathtub of ice water.
I went to a doctor.
He did a bone scan and gave me some pain meds to help with the pain.
He asked me if I was "any good" as far as running races and winning went.
He told me if I wasn't "any good" I should probably just quit.

I didn't want to quit!!!
And I didn't either...
Though I often couldn't finish the work outs,
though I was rarely eligible or able to run races,
though I hated the pain and limitations of my injuries,
I kept showing up for track practices.
I kept going to all of the track meets.
I watched all of my team mates race,
some of them fast others not so fast.
The important thing always being that they finished their race.

I ran a few races,
I never won.

I didn't and don't really care too terribly much...
I just wanted to run.

So now running has become my therapy.
I go running on the open road.
I run away while simultaneously running toward whatever happens to be on my mind.

I think through everything and anything.
I often prefer not to listen to music because it interferes with my thought process.
I love running through my thoughts!
I love that, so far, I have not suffered any shin splints.
A bit of knee pain yes, but it seems to be manageable.

My goal is to be a runner.
I figure that as soon as I run an actual race,
5k, 10k, half-marathon, marathon...
I will officially qualify as a runner.
I can hardly wait!

In the mean time I will simply enjoy my running therapy
in the hopes that I can run myself into better mental and physical health.