Wednesday, September 21, 2011

It's like a carousel, up and down, round and round... It's making me feel a little qweezy...

(I put qweezy just for you Em ;)

I have good day's and bad day's...
Some day's are good and bad...
I go from happy and wide eyed in the early morning,
to stressed and overwhelmed in the, a little bit later, early morning,
to agitated and restless in the late morning,
to happy and energetic at lunchtime,
to happy with the urge to cry after lunch time,
to tired and hopeless in the afternoon,
to ornery and irritable by dinner time,
and then ornery, restless, and uncomfortable at bedtime...

The up and downs, ins and outs, are getting disorienting...
I would just like to stay in a good mood all day long.
The others can sneak in as situations that call for them sneak up,
as long as the happy good mood stays first and foremost.

I'm tired of the mood swings,
I'm tired of trying hard to overcome the mood swings,
I'm just plain tired.


We all have our trials,
our cross to bear so to speak.
This may be mine.
At least for now...

It's hard,
it ain't fun,
it's embarrassing,
and heart breaking...

But I'm trying...
I will push forward through the heavy waves of trial and tribulation.

Fortitude is my motto,
and I will let this be a workout that makes me stronger, 
instead of one that injures me or scars me for life...

Especially because though my emotional mind is struggling
my rational mind is growing smarter and stronger every day doing mental pushups.
I talk to myself, argue with myself, and have long conversations with myself everyday...

Lol, is that weird?

Weird or not,
I set out my emotions before myself and talk myself through them rationally.

Bear's friends are waiting for him and he isn't ready yet, 
I am such a bad mom for not getting him ready and out the door sooner...
Everyone else is better at this than I am.

Bear has great friends to ride to school with, 
he's eaten breakfast,
he's got his homework done,
I've packed his lunch and it's ready in his back pack,
he is off to school,
won't be late,
and all is well.
I am a good mom!

My friends think I'm weird and don't like me.

If my friends didn't like me they wouldn't be my friends.
They wouldn't help me out like they do,
they wouldn't be there for me when I need them,
they wouldn't make me feel better when I am feeling bad.
I have GREAT friends and am so blessed to be
surrounded by so many talented and amazing women from which to draw strength.

I am such a weirdo going to the doctor all the time,
everyone in my doctors office thinks I'm a weirdo.
They think I am making stuff up so I can go there,
they hate me there.
They think I'm weird because I get so nervous,
they think I'm stupid.
They wish I would stop showing up.
It's weird for me to like my doctor and his nurse.

I go to the doctors office for legitimate reasons.
I think through each trip very carefully as I know that doctor visits are expensive 
and not to be taken lightly.
I have had a legitimate reason to go to the doctors office each time I've gone,
I did have something wrong with my arm,
my moles really did need to be taken off,
I did need to change medicines,
I have never gone in for no reason!
I have never called for no reason!
I don't enjoy going into the doctors office,
but if I have to go,
like I've needed to,
I'm glad to go to "my" doctors office.
I like their office,
I like their staff,
It's not a bad thing that they know who I am.
It's not a bad thing if they remember me.
It's not a bad thing if they don't.
I am bringing them business,
they make money when I go there,
they are there to help,
and I am seeking help that I need.
And it is okay to get help.
And it's a good thing for me to like my doctor.
To feel like he listens to me,
to not dread going to see him.
I am glad I like his nurse,
I am glad she is nice.
It's okay to like people,
people like to be liked!

People think I'm a bad mom.
People think I post about depression because I want attention.
People think I make this stuff up.
People think I'm stupid.
People hate what I write.
People hate me.

I am a good mom,
I love my children.
I take care of my children.
I trust myself with my children.

I write about what I write about because I NEED to.
I need to sort out my feelings.
I need to not hide my feelings.
It's too hard to go through this alone.
It makes things worse to bottle it all up.
I'd much rather be happy and cheerful all the time.
Writing about my struggles helps me to see the happy and cheerful side of things.
It helps me to feel happier and more cheerful,
even if I'm not always writing about the happy and cheerful,
I'm getting the sad out, and making more room for the happy and cheerful.
I love to be happy and cheerful.
I love jokes.
I would much rather write joking funny posts about the silly things my kids do 
than about sad depressing stuff.
But I want to be honest, and sometimes sadness is what is honest.
Sometimes the joking funny posts are what is honest.
I write what sits foremost in my mind.
I write what I need and want to remember.
I write for me!
The fact that I share what I write with other people doesn't make me weird or stupid.
If other people hate what I write then they don't need to read it.
What "other people" think is not that important.
I like to be liked,
but I can't make people like me.
If they hate me then so be it.
It's sad to be hated,
it's sad to hate.
It's both the haters and the hateds loss.
Who knows what friendship they are missing out on.
We can all learn from each other.
We are all amazing and talented in our own ways.
And that is a good thing.
This gives me good reason to NOT hate others.
It gives me good reason to forgive others.

And should I have not written this post,
I'd probably not be able to form and remember these rational thoughts.
And if I were stupid, 
I wouldn't be capable of half the things I am capable of.

What sorts of emotional things do you think to yourself?
What is the rational way to think about it?


The Mecham Family said...

I don't blog a lot, because I think I can't write anything of interest, and no one wants to read my crap.
Rationale: It doesn't matter if anyone reads it or thinks it's's a great way for me to journal my life and I should do it more.

Merfy said...

Love it all! I have to consciously go through the same thought processes as well. You just made it sound funnier! Love that about you. You are good and I love reading your blog. This is real. Happy all the time is NOT real! Life happens and sometimes it is crappy and sometimes it is funny and sometimes it is thoughtful and sometimes it is...on and on. Keep it up!

Dan/Kealy said...

I love your writing! I'm seriously so glad you write all the time and share it with us. I'm especially glad you've been writing about your experiences lately, even though they are hard and not fun. I like knowing what's going on, and with living so far away, it's nice to keep up by reading your blog. Speaking of which, I REALLY need to get my blog updated...ugh, unfortunately it's towards the bottom of my priorities right now :(

Briann said...

i LOVE reading how real your posts are! It makes me remember we all have things we are dealing with and not just me! I wish I could write some of the things that I am thinking or going through BUT I don't know if I'm ready for the world to hear them :) I love that your so honest and such a great friend and Mom!