Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It is hard being a mom, what did you expect? Steps to motherhood: Part one

When I was pregnant with Bear (my first child) I was living in a small apartment (with Superman).
The apartment complex had a pool, a tennis court, a weight room, etc...
Being an active person, I loved this.
I remember looking longingly down at the tennis court wanting desperately to go out and play.
Being pregnant though, I thought it would be better (safer) that I didn't.
My baby was due in February.
So I dreamed of springtime after I'd had the baby.
Springtime would be the perfect opportunity to take advantage of that tennis court.

As I imagined playing tennis and having fun with Superman I made a startling realization:
What would we do with the baby?
I pictured bringing the baby in his car seat into the tennis court and setting him in a corner to "watch".
Then I pictured an unfortunately lobbed ball flying right at him.

It was that moment that I knew that I would never get a chance to play on that tennis court.
It was that moment that I knew the minute I had my baby life would forever be altered.
It was in that moment that I desperately clung to my pregnancy, not wanting it to end.

Though I did want to hold my sweet baby in my arms I was afraid of everything else.
I was afraid of not being able to leave him.
I was afraid that there would be moments when I would have to leave him.
I was afraid of the unknown.

Of course I met each of those challenges head on and many more besides.
I faced each of those challenges all over again with each baby I had.
It was hard, it was scary, it was.....it was......

It was amazing that I could grow up so fast, instinctively knowing how to tend to my new baby.
It is amazing how much I love my babies.
It is amazing how much I want to be around them and bring them with me everywhere.
It is amazing.  It is hard.


When my baby Bear was finally filling my arms with  his tiny needing self,
I no longer cared about playing tennis.

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