Monday, August 15, 2011

If you can't handle the truth, go somewhere else...

As of late I've been a little bit well, for lack of a better word, crazy.
Crazy Crazy Crazy

I've been acting strangely or hadn't you noticed.
Well, to put it plainly my oddness can be summed up with one phrase:

Postpartum Depression
Depressing isn't it.

Turns out it is a real and true thing.
A real and true horrible thing that no one should have to suffer!
The loneliness of something like this is incomprehensible to anyone thinking rationally.
Incomprehensible to anyone who has never genuinely felt this way.

Somehow I've managed to hold onto my sense of humor,
or so I thought,
until I was told I am not funny,
which made me want to cry,
which I thought was funny,
which is why I thought I'd held onto my sense of humor,
riddled with a constant want to cry.

So far I havn't given in and cried,
I can't,
It might make me feel better,
but,
I might not be capable of stopping...

So, Post Partum Depression:
It totally sucks!

I didn't want the whole world to know about this.
I wanted to keep it secret,
but when I post the "F" word on facebook people start freaking out,
wondering if I am on drugs or something.

Nope not drugs,
at least not that kind,
 an antideppressant that hasn't been working as well as I'd like it too.

The mood swings man, exahsting!
Does this give you more respect for Superman?
It ought to!

Postpartum depression has been brought to me by the miscarriage I had in April.
I've been speeding downhill ever since.
Some moments are good;
 I can wake-up, I can shower and get dressed,
yesterday I even managed to clean my house.
This is only because I am taking an antidepressant.

The problem is some moments are really bad.
My mind goes dark and abismal.
I am lost in a sea of impossibility from which there seems no escape.
It's lonely and scary.
This leads me to thoughts of suicide.
Most people are afraid to die.
We live our lives panicing at the thought of cancer or automobile accidents...
I used to be one of those people...
Used to be.

There are three reasons I have survived the last week:
1-I didn't want to die while Superman was in Africa.
2-If I died who would take my boys to swim practice this week.
3-I have really good friends who have gotten me through days that otherwise would have ended me.

Does that freak you out a little bit?
It freaks me out.
I feel like a total freak.
I am not being dramatic, I actually feel this way.
But I have a rational side
(the side that tells me all this will be too heavy for some people to grasp)
my rational side has sought help in the form of medication and counseling.
So I haven't completely lost it.
I hope I don't.

7 comments:

The Mecham Family said...

I think it's amazingly brave of you to put your raw, uncensored feelings out there!! Love you Rose!

Worthy Family said...

I know how you feel Rose. I have dealt with all of the feelings you are feeling. It is so hard for anyone to understand what you are going through. It's so hard when those who said they understand, get annoyed because you're not "getting over it"
Hang in there. It will get better. (at least that's what I keep telling myself) I'm here if you would like to talk.

Dan/Kealy said...

I love you Rose!! I don't know if there's much I can do, but know that you've been in my prayers :)

Dan/Kealy said...

And if there is anything I can do, please let me know :)

Amy said...

Rose I have been where you are. I had a miscarriage right before I had my baby Alex. The hardest part for me was that I had not wanted to be pregnant and it was completely unexpected. Those feelings are very real. They totally make you act like another person. I am sorry you are struggling!

Amy said...

I can completely relate to this, Rose. I've suffered from depression for years, and lately, due to a medication change, it's been bad. Really bad. Thanks for sharing your emotions with us. It's hard, but it really can be so healing, too.

gina @ Birth Mother Baskets said...

Hang in there! Can we blame it on something in the water?? Haven't been feeling the brightest at my house either...