If you can't handle the truth, go somewhere else...

As of late I've been a little bit well, for lack of a better word, crazy.

Crazy Crazy Crazy

I've been acting strangely or hadn't you noticed.

Well, to put it plainly my oddness can be summed up with one phrase:

Postpartum Depression

Depressing isn't it.

Turns out it is a real and true thing.
A real and true horrible thing that no one should have to suffer!
The loneliness of something like this is incomprehensible to anyone thinking rationally.
Incomprehensible to anyone who has never genuinely felt this way.

Somehow I've managed to hold onto my sense of humor,
or so I thought,
until I was told I am not funny,
which made me want to cry,
which I thought was funny,
which is why I thought I'd held onto my sense of humor,
riddled with a constant want to cry.

So far I havn't given in and cried,
I can't,
It might make me feel better,
but,

I might not be capable of stopping...

So, Post Partum Depression:

It totally sucks!

I didn't want the whole world to know about this.

I wanted to keep it secret,

but when I post the "F" word on facebook people start freaking out,
wondering if I am on drugs or something.

Nope not drugs,
at least not that kind,
 an antideppressant that hasn't been working as well as I'd like it too.

The mood swings man, exahsting!

Does this give you more respect for Superman?
It ought to!

Postpartum depression has been brought to me by the miscarriage I had in April.
I've been speeding downhill ever since.
Some moments are good;
 I can wake-up, I can shower and get dressed,
yesterday I even managed to clean my house.
This is only because I am taking an antidepressant.

The problem is some moments are really bad.
My mind goes dark and abismal.
I am lost in a sea of impossibility from which there seems no escape.
It's lonely and scary.
This leads me to thoughts of suicide.
Most people are afraid to die.
We live our lives panicing at the thought of cancer or automobile accidents...
I used to be one of those people...
Used to be.

There are three reasons I have survived the last week:
1-I didn't want to die while Superman was in Africa.
2-If I died who would take my boys to swim practice this week.
3-I have really good friends who have gotten me through days that otherwise would have ended me.

Does that freak you out a little bit?
It freaks me out.
I feel like a total freak.
I am not being dramatic, I actually feel this way.
But I have a rational side
(the side that tells me all this will be too heavy for some people to grasp)
my rational side has sought help in the form of medication and counseling.
So I haven't completely lost it.
I hope I don't.