A person can be happy and also be struggling with depression.
I keep telling people that,
"my life is better than it has ever been before!"
I have GREAT friends,
a FANTASTIC and SUPPORTIVE family,
I live in a WONDERFUL neighborhood,
with SUPER neighbors,
I am married to the MOST AMAZING man,
and I LOVE my children UNCONDITIONALLY.
So how can I possibly be so depressed.
I keep saying it,
"it's 100% chemical"
Yes, there has been a lot of feelings of loss with losing my baby.
Yes, that has been a whole lot harder for me to get over than I would have thought possible.
But enough to lead me to suicidal tendencies?
It's all chemical.
It has to be.
With as great as a life as I have...
It's like being healthy, but getting a bug bite.
That little tiny spot that ITCHES!!!
You try not to scratch it, but sometimes it just gets rubbed the wrong way,
and you just can't help but give in to the temptation and,
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH!!!
It doesn't help the situation,
in fact it makes it worse!
The more you scratch the worse it gets, until one day you have a giant ugly scab.
Maybe an infection, maybe it's driven you so crazy you've found the only way to deal is to just cut the whole darned thing off.
And that makes you angry, and you start swearing like a sailor.
You can't seem to help it.
You can't just stop itching or, just get over it.
It's going to be there until it's gone.
You can put medicine on it, and sometimes it helps, but sometimes it doesn't.
There is no denying it, there is no saying it isn't there when it is.
And when you find yourself unable to cope with it,
who do you turn to?
Who can take the nastiness of an infected ulcer that has no end in sight?
As of late I've been a little bit well, for lack of a better word, crazy.
Crazy Crazy Crazy
I've been acting strangely or hadn't you noticed.
Well, to put it plainly my oddness can be summed up with one phrase:
Depressing isn't it.
Turns out it is a real and true thing.
A real and true horrible thing that no one should have to suffer!
The loneliness of something like this is incomprehensible to anyone thinking rationally.
Incomprehensible to anyone who has never genuinely felt this way.
Somehow I've managed to hold onto my sense of humor,
or so I thought,
until I was told I am not funny,
which made me want to cry,
which I thought was funny,
which is why I thought I'd held onto my sense of humor,
riddled with a constant want to cry.
So far I havn't given in and cried,
It might make me feel better,
I might not be capable of stopping...
So, Post Partum Depression:
It totally sucks!
I didn't want the whole world to know about this.
I wanted to keep it secret,
but when I post the "F" word on facebook people start freaking out,
wondering if I am on drugs or something.
Nope not drugs,
at least not that kind,
an antideppressant that hasn't been working as well as I'd like it too.
The mood swings man, exahsting!
Does this give you more respect for Superman?
It ought to!
Postpartum depression has been brought to me by the miscarriage I had in April.
I've been speeding downhill ever since.
Some moments are good;
I can wake-up, I can shower and get dressed,
yesterday I even managed to clean my house.
This is only because I am taking an antidepressant.
The problem is some moments are really bad.
My mind goes dark and abismal.
I am lost in a sea of impossibility from which there seems no escape.
It's lonely and scary.
This leads me to thoughts of suicide.
Most people are afraid to die.
We live our lives panicing at the thought of cancer or automobile accidents...
I used to be one of those people...
Used to be.
There are three reasons I have survived the last week:
1-I didn't want to die while Superman was in Africa.
2-If I died who would take my boys to swim practice this week.
3-I have really good friends who have gotten me through days that otherwise would have ended me.
Does that freak you out a little bit?
It freaks me out.
I feel like a total freak.
I am not being dramatic, I actually feel this way.
But I have a rational side
(the side that tells me all this will be too heavy for some people to grasp)
my rational side has sought help in the form of medication and counseling.
So I haven't completely lost it.
I hope I don't.